WHAT WE KNOW HOW TO
call us and tell us
what they think they need. We don't take
very kindly to that.
We tell them right away what we
know how to do, so that they don't think
we'll do what they want.
Hey, we're the experts. And
don't you forget it. We'll do what we
know, whether you want it or not.
That's what you pay us for.
Hey, if you want someone who will
deliver what you need and want, go
to New &
Improved. We don't
have time for that.
You want to learn
something? Go to school. You want to be taught
in the ways of Old and Obsolete?
You want to become a "Double O" like
us? Then take one of these courses. We'll
advance bill you for our convenience, and yes, they
are expensive. If you don't have a
budget, go find some web page with pretty pictures,
cause that's all you can afford:
- Creative Whining
- Creative Problem Creation
- Team Whining
- Obstacle Creation
- Opportunity Crushing
- Management by Malevolent Dictatorship
- Mis-Communication Skills
- Pre-mature Product Launches
- Employee Burn-Out Techniques
- Destructive Meeting Mismanagement
- Unhealthy Life– and Work–styles Team–Breaking
If you're leading a team, you'd
have to be stupid,
stupid, stupid not to know that if
you don't crush them early, they'll start getting organized enough to be incredibly
productive...you don't want groups like New &
Improved creates, do you? Or worse yet,
you could be leading a group that starts
self-managing and the next thing you know
they'll think they can get
along without you.
Don't worry desperate and incompetent
one. We can help. We've got a
system that's pretty good at getting a team in one
place and then playing on their
individual and collective weaknesses and
insecurities to get them
bickering and fighting with each
other. In very little time at
all, your group won't trust one another or
communicate effectively together.
They'll destroy each others' ideas and
learn to revile the differences in others,
and disrespect their peers. There, now
doesn't that sound better
already? Payment must
be received in full before we do any planning on
(You want more stuff? Jeez. I'm getting
tired of writing for you morons.
All right then sucker, maybe
you'll pay for this:)
Keynotes: You want us to come in
and intimidate a group? Got some
employees who think they deserve some
entertainment and reward? Staff wants to learn
something at their
next conference? Well, what the hell. We'll
do it. Payment and expenses due up
front. And we won't waste your time and
money by using graphics or
sound systems. If they can't focus enough to
get what we're saying, then you might as
well fire them. It's not our fault if they
can't hear. And if they don't get the
message, then they're too dumb to work for you.
Meeting facilitation. Get real. If you
can't figure out how to kill an hour-long
meeting such that there's rambling pointless
discussion, then you're beyond help.
You must be taking programs from
those losers at New &
Improved who think that meetings should
"accomplish something." Please don't waste my
Want to have some fun?
Start using phrases like, "synergy,"
"e-commerce," "constant change management,"
and "out of the bag thinking" even if you
don't know what they mean. Pepper them into
your speeches and your long memos
(don't even bother sending short ones).
Better yet, practice looking into a mirror
and saying, "why didn't you send me that
report that was due two
weeks ago?" "I sent you the information
you requested already." "I did not
say you should be working on that
"We're thinking about reducing
the workforce by 50% -- how long have you
been working here?" And
"You're fired! Just kidding, ha ha!"
But now we're giving away our secrets. So
send us $200. For
money, we can teach
you all about how to lose memos, demand obsequious
graphs, and mandate business reviews that you
cancel at the last minute. All of
this to make sure that all channels of
communication lead directly to you, and end
there. After all, if communication is
about transferring knowledge, and knowledge is
power, communication is how you obtain
power. Anything like sharing
information effectively so that people know
what is happening in a timely, productive
fashion is for dumb people. And you're not dumb
are you? Of course not. You
believe what you're reading.