People sometimes call us and tell us what they think they need. We don't take very kindly to that. We tell them right away what we know how to do, so that they don't think we'll do what they want. Hey, we're the experts. And don't you forget it. We'll do what we know, whether you want it or not. That's what you pay us for. Hey, if you want someone who will deliver what you need and want, go to New & Improved. We don't have time for that.

Educashun:

You want to learn something? Go to school. You want to be taught in the ways of Old and Obsolete? You want to become a "Double O" like us? Then take one of these courses. We'll advance bill you for our convenience, and yes, they are expensive. If you don't have a budget, go find some web page with pretty pictures, cause that's all you can afford:

1. Ideabreaking
2. Brainstupification
3. Creative Whining
4. Creative Problem Creation
5. Team Whining
6. Obstacle Creation
7. Opportunity Crushing
8. Management by Malevolent Dictatorship
9. Mis-Communication Skills
10. Pre-mature Product Launches
11. Employee Burn-Out Techniques
12. Destructive Meeting Mismanagement
13. Unhealthy Life– and Work–styles Team–Breaking

If you're leading a team, you'd have to be stupid, stupid, stupid not to know that if you don't crush them early, they'll start getting organized enough to be incredibly productive...you don't want groups like New & Improved creates, do you? Or worse yet, you could be leading a group that starts self-managing and the next thing you know they'll think they can get along without you.

Don't worry desperate and incompetent one. We can help. We've got a system that's pretty good at getting a team in one place and then playing on their individual and collective weaknesses and insecurities to get them bickering and fighting with each other. In very little time at all, your group won't trust one another or communicate effectively together. They'll destroy each others' ideas and learn to revile the differences in others, and disrespect their peers. There, now doesn't that sound better already? Payment must be received in full before we do any planning on your behalf.

(You want more stuff? Jeez. I'm getting tired of writing for you morons. All right then sucker, maybe you'll pay for this:)

Keynotes: You want us to come in and intimidate a group? Got some employees who think they deserve some entertainment and reward? Staff wants to learn something at their next conference? Well, what the hell. We'll do it. Payment and expenses due up front. And we won't waste your time and money by using graphics or sound systems. If they can't focus enough to get what we're saying, then you might as well fire them. It's not our fault if they can't hear. And if they don't get the message, then they're too dumb to work for you.

Meeting facilitation.  Get real. If you can't figure out how to kill an hour-long meeting such that there's rambling pointless discussion, then you're beyond help. You must be taking programs from those losers at New & Improved who think that meetings should "accomplish something." Please don't waste my time.

Mis-Communication

Want to have some fun? Start using phrases like, "synergy," "e-commerce," "constant change management," and "out of the bag thinking" even if you don't know what they mean. Pepper them into your speeches and your long memos (don't even bother sending short ones). Better yet, practice looking into a mirror and saying, "why didn't you send me that report that was due two weeks ago?" "I sent you the information you requested already." "I did not say you should be working on that project." "We're thinking about reducing the workforce by 50% -- how long have you been working here?" And "You're fired! Just kidding, ha ha!"

But now we're giving away our secrets. So send us $200. For additional money, we can teach you all about how to lose memos, demand obsequious graphs, and mandate business reviews that you cancel at the last minute. All of this to make sure that all channels of communication lead directly to you, and end there. After all, if communication is about transferring knowledge, and knowledge is power, communication is how you obtain power. Anything like sharing information effectively so that people know what is happening in a timely, productive fashion is for dumb people. And you're not dumb are you? Of course not. You believe what you're reading.