EMPLOYEES LUCKY TO BE WORKING
Mr Bob Yuckert -- Perfect in every way, Bob is quite sure he
has no need for improvement. He is highly skilled at turning potential
learning opportunities into "someone else's problem." His long track record
of squashing innovation includes humiliating junior staffers because of
minor details overlooked (claims Bob, "hey, it's fun"), assisting workgroups
to look for flaws before they even consider the positives of a suggestion,
and smiling silently at meetings as he makes plans to undermine improvement
efforts with rumor and innuendo passed at the water cooler. He'd teach
your team these skills too, but he's not foolish enough to give up any
of his power. Unless you pay him. In the meantime, he scoffs at New
& Improved's communication training program as "for bleeding-hearted
wimps who don't have enough starch in their shorts to let the troops know
who's in charge."
ThanaJon NoHar-dee-har -- Humorless since birth despite years
of remediation, drug therapy and head banging, ThanaJon now prides himself
in his ability to take everything very seriously, thereby foiling the creative
ideas that arise through humor. His motto, "Life is serious
-- Don't you dare smile," is the watchword for a large range of companies
that you've never heard of...and few that you have. His client list includes
the most stressful companies on the planet, not a one of which has had
the problem of increased stock value over the last disturbing market rise.
His clients have no problem with massive, short-sighted lay-offs because
people are glad to go. Humph. Good riddance.
Glum Bartlett -- Is committed to wiping those precious little
smiles right off the face of each child. An advocate of the Metal-Edged
ruler school of discipline, Glum believes that although they are necessary
for the procreation of the species, kids should be neither seen nor heard.
And the less active a role they have in their community the better. After
all, who knows what's best? She does. So forget about working together
to make life better and more powerful
for kids and families. Life is about taking direction. And
liking it. Hold the smile. And remember her motto "Nothing gets people to do what
you want like a sharp rap across the knuckles."
Roger Firestarter -- knows that nothing creates predictable results
like pitting people against one another. Based on Roger's none-too-pleasant
experience in the world, he knows that if you want to motivate
people to create results, you're crazy. Work is about doing it the
same way over and over again until it's perfect. And then continuing to
do it. Until you're dead. Or at least until you wish you were. Because
that's what leadership is all about. Your minions doing what you expect
them to do. They are not paid to think. The leader is the expert, and that's
where great ideas come from. In order to maintain order, keep people at
each other's throats through your orders. That's the way it's always been
done here. And we like it like that.
Sheila False-Alarm -- Loves watching employees scramble. That's
how she knows that they are working. She's been known to videotape (for
her weekend viewing pleasure) staff running around the workplace frantically
trying to get something done. Inevitably she's responsible for the assignment
that isn't important or timely. Or she's just been keeping it on her desk
for the last minute. She loves that. In a perfect world, Sheila likes to
call people together on short notice and surprise them with a "staff meeting,"
which usually involves a rant on whatever irritates her most.
The thought of a meeting accomplishing things effectively and efficiently
is laughable to her. "Managers who don't understand that people like doing
things at the last minute just don't get it," she says. "Short
deadlines are the best deadlines."
David Greys -- Is increasingly frustrated with the application
of color in the workplace. He doesn't care what the so-called "research"
says. There's nothing wrong with society that a little bit of well-placed
grey paint can't FIX. An advocate of stuffing as many people into a room
as possible and then letting the Agenda unfold, David believes that if
you want people to accomplish
something as a group, then it will just happen through happenstance,
chance, and people's natural ability to resist focus. David also believes
that creating new things and letting other people know about them is a
dangerous trend that should be resisted. "Nothing good ever came from thinking"
is his motto. And he puts that into practice every day.
Blare Killer -- is a man who has never seen a new idea that he
liked. Known for his deafening tirades and novelty-crushing attitude, Blare's
reputation as a hands-on-your-throat manager is well-known. His attitude
is if it's such a great idea why hasn't it been done before?
The answer usually revolves around
the idea's weaknesses. And they all have weaknesses. "When you work together
productively with a team, you're asking for trouble," he states in no uncertain
terms. When faced with a new idea, Blare can usually kill it before it has been fully explained, and has been known to kill ideas before they've even
been proposed. "That's how I know I'm doing my job," he explains.
Slick Philoops -- has had a career punctuated with lots and lots
of places of employment. Rick claims, "I have yet to find a place that can handle my
work-style." Slick likes to work with lots of different people who do most
of the work and then make sure that they all know that he'll deliver the
project, and so they can relax. Inevitably though, he's ready and willing
to seize control and credit when the boss and the boss' boss is around.
Fortunately, the rest of the suckers he's working with don't realize that
his "mistake" was really a calculated maneuver. Just
think how much you could learn from him to get teams working the way you
want them to.
Gerard Pucci-ugh -- Is the director of the Old &Obsolete
University Center for the status quo. Gerard is ruled by hunches and thinks
that those who conduct research are wasting their time and generally piddling
away resources and screwing up the economy. Gerard believes that knowledge
is power, and goes out of his way to avoid giving any of his power to anyone
else. "Hey, I know what I know and if anyone else wants to know about it,
well it will cost them." Needless to say, publishing is an anathema to Gerard.
But this much he will share, "If you want to educate
and train fools, you've clearly got too much time on your hands. Get
Feel free to leave when you're done reading, and don't bother sending
us any mail. We've got work to do. Somewhere, there's someone who's thinking
up ways to create something New
& Improved. And we can't stand for that.
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