Walking the Forgiveness Path

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. —Mahatma Gandhi (1869 - 1948)

Wow. This forgiveness thing is a tough one. It’s one thing to say that innovation flourishes in an environment where it’s OK to make well intentioned mistakes. It’s another altogether to say “It’s OK for others to make those mistakes even if they mess up my life.” Here’s the interesting thing though: while it’s true that the mistakes others make can make our lives difficult, hanging on to our anger about those mistakes and failing to forgive has a far greater negative impact on us over time than the mistake itself. Our relationship with the offender cannot be well leveraged (for innovation) through the mist of anger. Our own thought process is impeded — decreasing our creativity — when we are in the zone of anger and judgment and crowding our cognitive capacity with the noise of vengeance. (See “Managing Emotions” newsletter)

So let’s look first at the dynamics associated with not forgiving, which we’ll call the vengeance cycle. Then we’ll look at the dynamics and decisions leading to healing (and a greater likelihood for innovation production). We’ll call the latter, the path to forgiveness.

The Fuel of the Vengeance Cycle

Vengeance may seem like a strong word. Of course, to illustrate this clearly, we’ll be talking in the extremes. Be aware, however, that these attitudes and behaviors exist upon a continuum, one that we all live on. More simply stated, if we respond to injustice with another injustice, then we are practicing vengeance.

The cycle begins with some form of animosity as a response toward another’s action, seen by us as a misdeed. The animosity is not created by what the other person did, it is created by our mental story about their misdeed. (See “Story of Conflict” newsletter) Re-telling of the “offense” deepens the sense of anger. For many of us, this was the way we learned -- when we were younger — to muster the energy to tell another person that they had offended us in some way. We needed to pump up our anger to fuel what felt like bravery, which allowed us to stand up for ourselves. Unfortunately, this old pattern doesn’t really drive toward mature, innovation-producing relationships.

In time, with enough indulgence in retelling the animosity story, the need for revenge is energized. We want to cause harm to the person(s) we feel harmed us — it’s only fair! Even fantasizing about seeking revenge feels good, and if we move to the actual behavior, now we are guilty behaviorally.

And here is where the cycle starts to spin out of control — our revenge may have just energized the need in the other person to return vengeance upon us. Brilliant. Now we have fuel for a virtuous (self-righteous?) cycle that continues to energize itself as it escalates.

If we choose to stay in the vengeance cycle, we’ll act in defiance and by protecting ourselves when anyone points out that we have a part in the conflict or that our revenge is inappropriate. This defiance also keeps us in the cycle.

By staying in the vengeance cycle, we consume our thoughts, emotions and energy in ways that keep us from moving forward and growing; it is a case of “drinking poison with the expectation that the other person will die”. Even more brilliant.

The vengeance cycle only ends when we choose to move from a stance of self protection, revenge and denial to a stance of choosing to grow.

So how do we let go of revenge and begin forgiving?

The first move down this pathway is an internal one. It’s choosing — asserting your will — to gracefully let go of the retelling of the “I’ve been violated” story and replace it with one that is open to growth for yourself. When this shift in story occurs, it is accompanied by a shift in feelings. A movement away from anger, toward calmness.

When not clouded with feelings of anger, our attention can turn to empathizing with the other person and their behavior. We might not fully understand the reasons that drove other’s behavior, but the reasons are there for sure. The past is over. It cannot be changed. Only the future can. We determine our future through the behaviors and thoughts we choose to have at this moment in response to the events that have already occurred.  For forgiveness to take root, there must be an acceptance that there were legitimate causal factors which drove the other person(s) behavior.

If I am the transgressor, it is gracefully letting go of the idea that I could have done anything differently. I made the decisions and behaved as I did based on many causal factors, only some of which I am fully aware. What matters now is how I will think and act from this moment forward. As I make this shift and acknowledge causality, I’m ready to forgive myself and be inwardly ready to let go of feelings of shame and guilt while fully acknowledging I need to behave differently in the future. This self-reconciliation prepares me for the final step of the process of forgiveness and forgiveness-seeking.

As the person who has done something wrong, I need to overtly apologize and ask forgiveness and for guidance in amends-making. I do this poorly when I’m still a bit in self denial. That’s when I apologize with an attitude that says “I’m sorry, and you’re a jerk for getting so upset,” Or “I’m sorry you got upset (which ruined my day).” I apologize well when I’ve done the work of self-reconciliation prior to apologizing.

As the person who has had something wrong done to them, I’m ready to accept the apology, and offer forgiveness, when I’ve broken myself from the vengeance cycle as rapidly as possible (hopefully before the transgressor shows up asking for forgiveness)

Mark has done a good job of laying this all out in a table. Take a look at it here.

A Few Final Truths:

The most important meta-skills that are needed for us to break out of the vengeance cycle are 1) the ability to notice our mental stories and then 2) to make a choice to replace those that fuel defiance and energize vengeance with those that fuel forgiveness. By leaving the vengeance behind, we open up vast reserves of energy we can better spend making good things happen in the world. Being an innovation leader, instead of a tantrum-prone child. None of this can happen without humility. Dig into that subject here.

And while it’s good to embrace your inner child to energize creativity, there are still some parts of our childish nature that we should leave behind. Choosing to put the best of yourself forward is the way of the innovation leader. And yes, like many parts of being a growing-up, it’s difficult. Revenge is easy, but as Gandhi once said, “an eye for an eye and soon the whole world is blind.” And who wants to see that happen?